What’s the Deal with Birth Order?
Ever wonder why your oldest child is the rule-follower, your middle one is the wild card, and your youngest somehow knows how to charm every adult in the room?
(Not talking from experience or anything…)
Let’s talk birth order—a topic that’s been studied, joked about, and psychoanalyzed at dinner tables and therapy sessions for decades. Is there science behind it? Is it all just sibling drama? And what does it mean for your parenting (or your own inner child)?
The Classic Birth Order Stereotypes
We’ve all heard the basic script:
Firstborns are responsible, high-achieving, and sometimes a little bossy.
Middle children are adaptable, independent, sometimes trouble makers, and maybe feel a bit forgotten.
Youngest kids are fun-loving, attention-seeking, and good at getting their way.
And then there’s only children—tiny grown-ups with vocabularies that rival your own.
These patterns do show up in real life, and research has found some loose trends. But—big asterisk here—birth order isn’t destiny.
There are a ton of factors that mix into the soup, like:
The spacing between siblings
Gender and gender roles in your family culture
Parental stress levels
Health issues or neurodiversity
Family structure (blended families, adoption, loss, etc.)
Who was the “easiest” baby or the “spirited” one
…and how YOU were raised, too.
Why Does Birth Order Even Matter?
From a developmental perspective, birth order can shape how kids experience their role in the family. The firstborn often spends time as an “only child” before siblings arrive—and might get a more anxious or perfectionist version of their parents. By the time kid #3 rolls in, those same parents might be way more chill... or completely overwhelmed.
In my work with families, I see patterns like:
Firstborns who love to “help” with younger siblings, but also carry the invisible pressure to perform or model “good behavior.”
Middles who are great negotiators or peacekeepers—but sometimes fly under the radar.
Youngests who grow up in a more relaxed household culture and know exactly which adult to ask for snacks.
Only children who speak like little therapists but sometimes feel extra pressure to be everything.
This doesn’t mean anything is “wrong”—just that our kids are responding to the environment they’re growing up in, and that environment includes their place in the family story.
In our family, we’ve definitely got our own version of the birth order dynamic playing out: my oldest is shouting from the back seat, “Mama! Don’t look at your phone while you’re driving!” (thanks for keeping us safe, love), while my middle child is busy spilling motor oil in the car and later peeing in a tupperware in the middle of the kitchen. Meanwhile, the toddler is just blissfully unfazed, smiling and asking, “Outside?” because, well—she just really loves being outside.
So… Should I Parent Them Differently?
Short answer: You already are.
You’re different, now, than you were with your first. You’ve grown, learned, softened, burned out, healed, or all of the above over and over again. Each child is getting a slightly different version of you—and that’s not a failure. That’s family.
But if you want to get nerdy and intentional, here are a few ways to support each child, no matter where they fall in line:
Firstborns
Remind them they don’t have to “get it right” all the time.
Offer space for their own needs—not just helping others.
Let them be little (even if they seem grown).
Middle kids
Create one-on-one rituals so they feel seen.
Acknowledge their strengths as connectors and creative thinkers.
Invite them to step into leadership, not just go with the flow or always be ‘helped’ by the helpful oldest sibling.
Youngest kids
Give them chances to be capable—not just cute.
Let them know their feelings are valid, even when they’re not the loudest.
Avoid comparing them to older siblings—they’re on their own timeline.
Only children
Give them LOTS of peer time to practice collaboration and messiness.
Offer playful limits so they don’t feel like mini adults.
Remind them they don’t have to be everything to everyone.
What About Twins?
Twins add a delightful layer of complexity to the whole birth order conversation. When you’ve got two babies born at (almost) the same time, the traditional “oldest–middle–youngest” model kind of breaks down. In many twin pairs, there's technically a “firstborn”—the baby who emerged first—but practically speaking, they’re often seen (and see themselves) as co-oldests or co-youngests depending on the family vibe.
That said, twin dynamics are fascinating. Even in utero, twins often establish patterns of personality and preference. I’ve seen it in the NICU! Babies come out as whole people with their own little personalities.
Some parents report that one twin feels more like a caretaker or leader, while the other might feel more sensitive or expressive. And of course, every family is different. Sometimes they swap those roles over time!
In families with other children, twin order can also matter. If the twins come first, their bond may create a tight sibling unit that younger siblings look up to. If they come last, older siblings may feel like the “wise elders” while the twins share their own special connection at the tail end. And if twins land in the middle? Whew! You’ve got a whole ecosystem of relationships developing in both directions.
From a nervous system and early development perspective, twins often learn co-regulation from each other, even before they learn it from parents. And if one twin spends time in the NICU and the other doesn’t—or they have different early life medical needs—it can also shape their roles and identities in subtle but lasting ways. These are all rich layers to notice as they grow.
And If You’re Wondering About Your Own Birth Order...
Yep—this goes both ways.
Many of us carry our own birth order stories into adulthood. Were you the “easy one”? The “troublemaker”? The “helper”? Sometimes those labels stick hard—and show up in our partnerships, parenting, and inner dialogue.
So if your oldest is melting down and your middle is hiding under the table and your youngest just spilled something sticky in your shoe… take a breath. Check in with yourself, too.
You’re not just parenting kids. You’re reparenting the whole family story.
A gentle reminder: while birth order can offer fun insights, it’s easy to slip into labeling our kids—“the wild one,” “the smart one,” “the shy one.” But when we assign those roles too early or too firmly, kids can start to shape themselves around those identities before they even have a chance to discover who they really are. What if your “wild one” is also deeply sensitive? What if your “quiet one” is secretly hilarious?
Let’s leave room for our kids to surprise us.
They’re still unfolding.
Love,
Emily
