Building Bonds: Nurturing Communication with Your Partner and Baby
Connect with yourself first
Lack of sleep, hormones, changes to every aspect of your body and life can leave you in a place of shifting identities. It can be tough to communicate what we are feeling or wanting in that place. Getting back into a habit, or developing a new habit, of connecting with yourself can start to clarify those feelings. It doesn’t need to be anything long or involved. A short technique you can tie into something you do every day or week is more helpful in creating a long-term habit. Some ideas for checking in with yourself:
Taking a deep breath in/out when you touch a certain doorknob or baby gate in the house (bathroom, bedroom, nursery, or front door). Note if your breath is shallow, quick, slow, wide, etc. You may note a pattern over time.
Tense up one or all your muscles at once and then relax them. See how relaxed you can get them, or notice if that was harder or easier to let the tension go. You could try doing this when sitting down on the floor for playtime or at your chair at work for the first time.
If you have a tarot deck or deck of affirmations/prayers/quotes, pull a card once a day. Do a quick check to see if the message or symbolism is resonating or not with you today.
Ask yourself “What do I do that I can celebrate?” and/or “What do I need to forgive myself for?” as you get into bed (or get ready for bed) at a frequency that feels right to you.
Have a quick checklist of things you need and check when you’re feeling out of yourself. Try to keep it to 3 or less simple things (drink of water, snack, a breath of fresh air, a quick stretch or movement, a picture). Keep it somewhere you see every day (fridge, car dashboard, or phone). Maybe an app is helpful (HabitTracker is a iOS app or Habits is an Android app) for sending reminders.
Set some goals for communication
If communication is something you’re wanting to work on, you’ve noticed that having a clear goal helps. It may be hard to set aside time for this, so maybe write your thoughts on what you want to improve over a few weeks. Your partner can do the same exercise too if your goal is around partner communication.. Once your goals are clearer, what tools you need may be easier to figure out. Some ideas of goals new parents may have around communication:
More time to connect with partner
More help from partner
More time with older child
More alignment with partner on parenting values and communication
Better understanding of the mental load and “default parent” for yourself or partner
Improving communication of needs and/or boundaries
Offer eye contact to baby
This is your baby’s first social skill and how they build their cognitive skills for things like attention and learning. Catching your baby’s eye and talking to them is a great way to build their communication skills. It also can help baby feel more safe and connected when you explain what you are doing during care tasks (diapering, bathing, feeding).
Ideas:
Diaper changes
Narrate each step as you take the left tab off, the right tab, wipe them, tell them it will be cold or warm, give them language for their body parts.
Getting dressed
Name their limbs and sides as you gently and intentionally dress or undress them
Playtime
Try not to interrupt them if they are gazing at something… don’t re-direct their gaze to something new, explore what they are looking at with the same curiosity, and when they look back at you, wonder with them about that thing, and name it for them.
Pre-play conversations
“We are heading over to the floor so you can look at some of your favorite things”
When getting in/out of the car
This can help to tame dislike of the carseat!
Resources
Watch:
This explanation of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” mentioned in the group. It’s a concept from The Gottman Institute about four communication styles that are most harmful to relationships: https://youtu.be/1o30Ps-_8is?si=TIWzCFm5FYXx5UMf
Different explanation of the mental load from Zach Watson (@zachthinkshare on Instagram and Tik Tok)
Listen:
Small Things Often podcast- airs every Monday and Wednesday morning from the Gottman Institute for a five-minute research-based tip for improving relationships: https://www.gottman.com/podcast/
The episode of “Why Conversations Go Wrong” of the podcast Hidden Brain for a discussion on how communication styles can cause conflicts and ways to communicate better: https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/why-conversations-go-wrong/
Read:
Fair Play by by Eve Rodsky
Doing It All by Whitney Casares, MD
Do:
A quiz to determine your love language (the way you prefer to receive love/affection from your partner): https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
Becoming Us After Baby with Barb Buckner Suarez or another training that works for you & your partner
Consider therapy. Marriage and family therapists can specialize in supporting you and your partner, and you both as parents. For individual support, PsychologyToday has a tool for finding a therapist based on your insurance and the specialty you want. Dialectical behavior therapy is a therapy approach that focuses on improving interpersonal effectiveness (the ability to ask for what you need or want in a way that’s respectful to you and the other person). Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a therapy that can help you identify thoughts and beliefs that are barriers to communicating.
Consider coaching. Relationship coaches can help you see where you are and where you are headed in your relationship- what is next for you in this new chapter?
Consider having you and your partner commit to “softening” your starts to conversation. Here’s are examples of a “softened start-up” from PositivePsychology.com:
Take a Course!
Take the How to Speak Baby or Newborn FUN! Course with BeWellBabyPDX!
Contribution from Carrie Miller-Conley, OTD Candidate
